Time to get serious... activate serious mode... very serious

Hey guys... I hope you're ready for a rant, because I'm in rant mode, and I'd hate to not oblige you with such a thing.  I guess I'm just in one of those depressed moods.

So, we had a recital yesterday.  Firebird, McBawss, and I did an entire hour of brass trio music.  Think about it for a second... that's a lot of playing.  That's technically more playing than a quintet concert of the same length, if you think about it.  And those two are just awesome.  I have mad respect for both of them, I'm really glad we had a chance to do it.

Now, I did have one big issue with the recital, and it had nothing to do with the other guys.  As I said before, nothing but respect.  My issue was me.  It just... wasn't anywhere near good enough.  Now, before people start telling me I'm ridiculous, let me give it to you from my perspective:  I have two years, you see.  I'm going into a masters programme in a month and a half.  After that... I'm going to try to win a job.  I know I won't have what I want right out of school, but it'd be nice to win a job at some point.  How can I compete, if this is how I STILL end up performing today?  Is two years really enough to fix that?  IT'S JUST NOT ENOUGH.

...Okay, I'm sorry, I meant this to be longer, but I'm in a bit of a bad mood... so I'm gonna have to cut this one short.  It's just... there was a lot of people in the audience, and three or four people I wanted to especially make an impression on... and that didn't happen.  I'd've rather they heard me in an orchestral setting, I know I play much better leading a section than I do solo or chamber (and to think, I've caught the chamber bug this year... I actually want to have a fully-fledged quintet at some point).  I'm just frustrated that I let myself wimp out, frustrated that I didn't keep my head and remember to just think about playing easily, frustrated that I looked like a n00b in front of people I wanted to impress, and frustrated that I let the other two down.  I really have to stop being all mopey... everyone enjoyed the show... but... RAGE.

I made a passing comment at Lucca the other day that, if you just looked at my Facebook wall, it looks like I'm constantly stoked on life, since virtually everything I post is awesome.  Well, sometimes I also use awesome things to make me happy when I'm feeling down, so I guess looks can be deceiving.  Maybe all I need is a little bit of nerdy awesome, and to wake up tomorrow and hit the practice rooms with a reinstated fervour.  All right, me, get it together.

One of these days, I'm going to be AWESOME.

(This is one of my favourite tunes from a game I've been playing recently, and is one of the most fun games I've had the pleasure of playing in several years)